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September 9, 2019 will be day I'll never forget. I know what I ate, drank, the clothes I wore and how I felt all throughout the day. I'll never forget laying in my bed pushing on my stomach hoping to feel a little kick back but getting nothing in return. Telling my husband lets just wait a little while longer maybe I'm imaging it. The moment when Spencer went from carrying high to dropping so quickly. That was when I decided it was time to go in. 

The drive was so long, the walk to labor and delivery even longer. The excitement on my kids faces thinking we were going to have a baby weeks before he was due. Part of me knew, I knew my sweet baby boy I went to be with Jesus but I sat in the waiting room and I prayed and beg God for it not to be true. I went back alone to this dark room I'll never forget as long as I live. The nurse came in she tuned on her Doppler and couldn't find the heartbeat. So she said lets the the ultrasound, still I prayed and begged. She came back turned off the lights and pushed around for what seemed like forever, then she said let me grab the on call ultrasound tech....She came in and did the same..She then spoke those words no mother ever wants to hear. There Is No Heartbeat

The floor drop out, the world stopped spinning and I screamed and cried all at the same time. They brought my husband back tears in my eye I had to tell him our son had died. They checked again at his request. They then brought back our children and we had to explain to our children that we wouldn't be taking home a baby, because there baby brother had died. 

Things moved slowly for about 48 hours. My body wasn't ready to give birth, it wasn't time it knew that. But they forced it along anyway. The nurses were amazing gentle, kind and so very understanding of our large family that all wanted to be there for us. They asked me if I wanted pictures of my baby boy once he was born, we quickly responed no of course not. We were mournig the loss of Spencer before he was even born. I couldn't imagine letting someone else see him that way, so vulnerable and still. So very still. 

The days went on and we were asked again if we'd like photos we, were told about a organization that would come in and take photo at no charge to us. So we talked about and it wasn't until after he was born that we decided to accept the nurses offer to have photos done. Our baby boy was born on September 9, 2019 the room was so quite and still I felt the peace of God once he arrived. He was perfect and beautiful. We got to spend 24 beautiful hours with our Spencer. We held him, bathed and dressed him, but most of all we loved on his physical self for as long as we could. 

The next day a lovely, generous, and gentle professional photographer came to our room and to very raw but really photos. Photos that today I protect. We don't publicly share them this is something my husband and I both agree on.  We wish to protect our son's privacy. Oh but they are beautiful and bring me to tears every time I look through them. I'm so very thankful for Amy out volunteer photographer for taking her time captures moments in time we will never get back. 

We as a family do this walk every year since losing Spencer, We found a community of people who understand the pain and heartache we carry daily. Our hope is to raise enough money to bless 10 families with this amazing gift that they don''t even know that need yet. So please find it in your heart to donate to our team as we continue to mourn the loss of our sweet baby boy Spencer.