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On December 26, 2020, our daughter, Joy, was born still after I suffered a sudden placental abruption. Leading up to this day, I had no idea we were having a little girl, Joy was not the name we had chosen, and I knew nothing about this condition.  But on December 26th, life as we knew it changed forever.  In the operating room, I was asked if I wanted to hold "her", and that's when I first discovered my baby was a girl.  Of course I said "yes", still in complete shock and denial and waiting for my baby to cry, to breathe, to open her eyes. This is when I called out her name, Joy, for the first time, a name I had never thought of up until this moment, a name that was literally chosen by God, 3 letters that captured my emotions upon meeting my daughter for the first time outside of the womb.  I was completely overwhelmed with Joy's beauty, she was perfect, 5lbs, 10oz, 18.5 inches and gorgeous from head to toe, I felt so proud to be her mom, but at the same time I was devastated because I knew this was it, my beautiful baby girl was not coming home with us, an unbelievable pill to swallow after a perfect pregnancy up to 35 weeks, 6 days.  The next few days we spent in the hospital with Joy were a complete whirlwind.  So many emotions, how do you even process life, birth, death all in the same moment, just after Christmas, in the midst of a pandemic?  Nothing felt natural, everything felt wrong, I fell into despair.  But while we were in the hospital, hours after Joy was born, a photographer came to our room and asked if she could take some pictures of us with Joy. I honestly don't even know what I was thinking at the time, or if I even processed any of it, but I agreed, and we proceeded. We picked out a dress for Joy, as we didn't have any baby clothes with her due to our emergency arrival, the dress was a white gown with floral embroidery, fitting for only an Angel to wear.  We gave Joy a bath, changed her diaper, dressed her and proceeded to take pictures, as if the unthinkable didn't happen.  I will admit, I was an emotional wreck during this time, I could not get the question "why?" out of my head, but followed the photographer's advice and interacted with my daughter as if she was alive and breathing.  I am so thankful I did.  A few days later, we were discharged from the hospital and returned home.  This is when I began to fully process the finality of Joy's life, leaving the hospital with a box instead of a baby was heartbreaking, but returning home and taking inventory of the wreckage,  what little I had to remember her by was equally devastating.  I gathered everything I had and placed it in her memory box, but I still felt it was not enough, and regretted not taking more pictures or having more artifacts of her existence.  This was the most difficult time, knowing Joy and not having her with me physically.  Several weeks passed and I received the link to view the photos taken by the photographer from NILMDTS.  I opened the link and I was immediately transported back in time, to hours after Joy was born, except crazy enough, what I saw in the pictures was pure Joy! These pictures mean the world to me! Joy is just as I remember her, gorgeous, head to toe, and though there is sadness behind my eyes and my husband's eyes, the overwhelming emotion conveyed in these photographs is pure Joy!  Words alone cannot express my gratitude for these precious moments captured in time, and I am so incredibly thankful to have these memories to view and reflect on.  There is no amount of time on this earth that would have been enough with Joy, but I am forever grateful for my memories with her, however brief, and for the photographer and editors at NILMDTS for giving us these cherished momentos. It is my hope that through Joy's story and our donations, that we can help other families who have gone through something similar capture beautiful memories of their babies, help them grieve and show them that they are not alone.  We do this in honor and memory of Joy Marie Castillo.  Thank you for reading our story.

Justina Castillo for Joy Castillo