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I Am My Mother’s Son

“For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other.
This is the miracle that happens every time to those who really love: the more they give, the more they possess.” Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet.

I have been holding my memories of the last 58 days with my mother tightly in my heart, only sharing them with those closest to me, constantly revisiting them and reflecting on various quotes and conversations while working through the loss of my first love, my guru, my everything. Mothers are the eternal home we are forever searching for after birth. The truth is, all that we need to do is to turn around to find what we are really searching for, the love only a mother and child can share. I read a quote by Anais Nin that gently encouraged me to start writing my story. “We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.” I have no idea where to start or how to finish. I am learning to accept being ok with this in many areas of my life. Life is really a never ending mountain climb with plateaus at each crest. We have a choice of how we embrace these plateaus, how we climb to and from them because the Earth will keep spinning, the sun will keep rising and setting regardless of our decisions. 

I have been sitting on one of these plateaus trying to figure out what to write for this fundraising page since last year, and still I do not really know what to say. Only once you have experienced this magical place will you begin to understand the challenge behind expressing your journey. Last year I left my fundraising page blank as all I had the capacity for was to sit with the grief of losing my mom. May 4th, 2024 (Hike For Hospice) marked 140 days since she had passed. 

Within 18 days of my mom passing, I experienced my mother’s birthday without her. I planned my mother’s funeral which was the first funeral I had ever planned, picked out an outfit to wear to my mother’s funeral and attended my mother’s funeral where I needed to delve deep within myself to find the courage and strength to speak in public.  All of this was then followed by my first Christmas Eve, Christmas, Boxing Day, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day without Mom. It was more than I would want anyone reading this to endure; somehow I was able to navigate my way through it. I am truly grateful for the time my mother and I were gifted at Foothills Country Hospice and the continuing support they provide to the families. There is one very special person who went above and beyond to hold space for me as I leaned into my grief. You will forever have a special place in my heart (I am rooting for you). 

On November 6th, 2024 my mother and I went by ambulance from the Arthur J.E. Child Comprehensive Cancer Centre (Arthur Child) to our family’s new home at Foothills Country Hospice. My mother had wanted a ranch her entire life and Foothills Country Hospice became Laura’s Ranch for 39 precious days. I slept within arms reach of my mom for 33ish of the 39 days and on the days I didn't sleep there I stayed until I could barely keep my eyes open. I may have annoyed the staff during this time and if you are reading this, please accept my apology… it will not happen again (this is my mother’s sense of humor). All the staff and volunteers came together to create the best possible home, given the circumstances. 

While at Arthur Child my mother came across a brochure about horseback riding and we talked in detail about the possibility of making it happen as it was one of the ways she wanted to live her life. During a family meeting with the palliative care doctors and other specialists, we discussed the next step in my mother’s care. I was sitting quietly, completely numb and in shock listening to the entire room giving suggestions including talking about going to hospice. My mother's first choice was Foothills Country Hospice. I can remember her describing it to me a few years prior. My mother had been very clear, she wanted to live. As I sat quietly by my mother’s side, listening and observing all of this (I was quietly begging, pleading, hoping, praying that there was another option)  when I noticed the brochure wedged behind the bulletin board above all these doctors' heads. I stood up and grabbed the brochure to show everyone, allowing a shift in the conversation back to what my mother truly wanted.  

An old and dear friend of mine whom I had not spoken to in years, heard what my family was going through and reached out to see if there was anything she could do. I started to tell her how my mother wanted to go horseback riding and she listened to me then said “I don't know if we can do horseback riding or a wagon ride but I can bring my horse Abigail for a visit”. I gave the Clinical Manager and Facilities Manager’s contact information to my friend, so they could coordinate bringing Abigail to Laura’s Ranch (Foothills Country Hospice). We kept it a secret from my mother and the morning it was planned there was a snow storm that postponed the surprise until the next day. The morning of Abigail’s visit the staff blocked off an area for my friend to park her truck, trailer and unload Abigail. Once Abigail was in place near the doors closest to the spiritual room, two nurses moved my mother outside, giving her time in nature with Abigail. I have no idea how to express my gratitude for everyone at Foothills Country Hospice and my dear friend for showing up for me and my family. What I do know is that I can help fundraise and raise awareness for hospices. I can also show up for my friends and family in the capacity I would want to be shown up for. I know where I would want to live out my final days and it would be in Room 14, Laura’s Ranch at Foothills Country Hospice.

“Of all the ways to lose a person, death is the kindest.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson. From the centre of my heart to the centre of your heart, I am forever grateful for all the support from my friends, my family and Foothills Country Hospice.

With Love and gratitude,

Laura’s Son, Prashanth and forever your little boy, Mom. 

I miss you, I love you and I would do anything for one more breath with you.

P.S. Join me each year as I continue expanding on the story at hospice and my healing journey through grief.